TELEVISION Filmchoice FILM RATINGS excellent very good good average poor KEY (R)repeat (S)subtitles on text service STEPHEN MARR BBC2 ITV1 Channel 4 Five London Lite Monday, 19 October 2009 27 Mars Attacks ITV4, 7.45pm (1996) TIM BURTON, clearly sick of watching films where aliens are sage and benign, imagines a nasty little race of Martians who have a ball killing humanity. Jack Nicholson (above right) leads an all-star cast. Another invasion film of the same year, Independence Day, sees the aliens defeated by a computer virus. Burtons solution is just as ludicrous, but funnier. The Thomas Crown Affair ITV1, 10.35pm (1999) RENE RUSSO and Pierce Brosnan, above, star in this remake of the 1968 original. Thomas Crown is a rich playboy who can have everything he wants. As a result, hes a little bored with his life and amuses himself by stealing priceless works of art. Catherine Banning is a detective whos on Crowns trail -- but is perhaps getting a little too close. Also with Denis Leary. Holy Man Film4, 6.50pm (1998) JEFF GOLDBLUM eases off on his usual routine of stuttering and pausing at inappropriate times during sentences. He plays Ricky Hayman, a TV exec who literally bumps into G -- an enigmatic drifter played by Eddie Murphy, above. While Hayman sees a way of exploiting G, the holy man finds a way of turning any situation into a religious experience. Anaconda Five, 11pm (1997) THIS film has an impressive cast that includes Jon Voight, Owen Wilson, Eric Stoltz, Jennifer Lopez and Ice Cube. Its a pity, therefore, that its a stinker -- with a predictable plot and laughable special effects for a film of its time. The star of the show is a computer-generated snake that looks as rubbery as the ones you can pick up at a joke shop -- but not nearly as much fun. 10.30 This Morning (S). 12.30 Loose Women (S). With chef Rosemary Shrager and The X Factors Sinitta. 1.30 ITV Lunchtime News (S). 1.55 London News And Weather (S). 2.00 60 Minute Makeover (S). 3.00 The Alan Titchmarsh Show (S). 3.59 London Weather (S). 4.00 Midsomer Murders (R,S). Part two of two. Barnaby exposes the Inkpen family secrets. 5.00 Britains Best Dish (S). The Midlands heats begin in Birmingham as Ed Baines, Jilly Goolden and John Burton Race give their verdicts on dishes including tandoori chicken. 6.00 London Tonight (S); Weather. 6.30 ITV Evening News (S); Weather. 7.00 Emmerdale (S). Nathan organises a night out to get closer to Leyla (Rokhsaneh Ghawam-Shahidi), and Paddy makes himself scarce. 7.30 Coronation Street (S). Tony is mysteriously called away from Liams christening and heads for a meeting with Carla. Meanwhile, Luke allows Rosie to plan the future of Underworld while secretly preparing to escape. See Soap Box 8.00 Health Records For Sale: Tonight (S). Chris Rogers investigates the illegal sale of British medical records, travelling to India to expose the criminals responsible. 8.30 Coronation Street (S). Carla gives Tony an ultimatum at Liams graveside -- leave town or the police learn the truth. Rosie realises that she has been conned, and Emily hears news of Freda. See Soap Box 9.00 Murderland (S,HD). 1/3. New series. Three-part thriller showing a murder from three different perspectives and two time frames, starring Robbie Coltrane and Bel Powley. See Ben Felsenburg 10.00 News At Ten And Weather (S). 10.30 London News And Weather (S). 10.35 The Thomas Crown Affair (S) (1999). A millionaire with a taste for burglary meets his match in a cunning investigator. Crime adventure, with Pierce Brosnan, Rene Russo, Denis Leary and Ben Gazzara. See Film Choice 12.40 Nightwatch With Steve Scott: Emergency (R,S) Documentary following fire crews, paramedics, ambulance teams, doctors and nurses as they make split-second life-or-death decisions; ITV News Headlines. 1.30 Loose Women (R). Chef Rosemary Shrager and The X Factors Sinitta join Kate Thornton and the panel for another round of chat. 2.20 The Jeremy Kyle Show (R,S). The host invites his guests to air their differences over various family issues. 3.15 ITV Nightscreen. Guide to programmes. 5.30 ITV Morning News (S). Rokhsaneh Ghawam-Shahidi 7pm, Emmerdale 11.00 Big Slam Poetry (S). 11.20 KS1 Science Clips (S). 11.30 Henrys Wives With Terry Deary (S). 11.40 Seasonal Snapshots (S). 12.00 Daily Politics. 12.30 Working Lunch (S). 1.00 All Saints (S). 1.45 Animal Park (R,S). 2.15 Car Booty (R,S). 3.00 Diagnosis Murder (R,S). A devious daughter hatches a plan. 3.45 Flog It! Ten Of The Best (S). The best books to appear on the show. 4.30 Are You An Egghead? (S). Past quiz show winners compete to join Eggheads. 5.15 Escape To The Country (S). A couple search for a home in Wiltshire. 6.00 Eggheads (S). Quiz, hosted by Jeremy Vine, in which the winners of famous game shows work as a team to tackle a new set of challengers. 6.30 Strictly Come Dancing -- It Takes Two (S). Claudia Winkleman hosts the daily fanzine devoted to the ballroom dancing show. 7.00 Coal House At War (S). 2/15. As the families settle into their routines, the men face a training period to equip them for life at the coal face and the Home Guard. 7.30 An Island Parish (S). 1/14. New series. The Rev David Easton struggles to come to terms with the biggest blow of his career when he discovers his congregation has voted him off the Isles of Scilly. 8.00 University Challenge (S). University College London and Clare College, Cambridge compete in the first of the highest-scoring losers matches. With Jeremy Paxman. 8.30 MasterChef: The Professionals (S). 26/29. The three finalists must prepare high tea at Sketch in Mayfair, before returning to the MasterChef kitchen to prepare a trio of desserts. 9.15 Design For Life (S). 6/6. Ilsa Parry and Mike Cloke set out to perfect their prototypes for a walking aid and a magnetised tray and tea set, and also have to come up with poster-ad campaigns. Working with leading advertising agencies, Isla infuriates the experts by changing her mind, while Mike has to buy all the props needed for his photo shoot. Last in the series. 10.15 Dragons Den Online (S). 6/6. Dom Byrne presents as entrepreneurs Shaf Rasul and Julie Meyer are asked to invest in a number of ventures, including a patriotic football song invented by Warren Cole. Last in the series. 10.30 Newsnight (S). Analysis of the days events, presented by Jeremy Paxman. Followed by Weather. 11.20 Have I Got News For You (R,S). 1/9. Martin Clunes guest hosts, joining team captains Ian Hislop and Paul Merton for a look at recent news. The panellists are Charlie Brooker and Arlene Phillips. 11.50 Charley Boorman: Sydney To Tokyo, By Any Means (R,S). 3/6. The adventurer explores Indonesia. 12.50 BBC News (S). 4.00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: I-Maths. 5.00 I-Maths Extra (S). Maths in everyday life. 5.30 I-DAndT Maths (S). Four case studies. Mike Cloke 9.15pm, Design For Life 11.00 Lifeproof TV (R,S). 11.30 The Family: Teen Stories (R,S). 12.00 News At Noon (S). 12.30 3 Minute Wonder: Juggling Homelessness (S). 12.35 Wife Swap USA (S). 1.35 Film: The Destructors (S) (1968). An American agent tracks down stolen rubies needed to power a top-secret laser gun. Sci-fi thriller, starring Richard Egan, Patricia Owens, John Ericson and Michael Ansara. 3.25 Countdown (S). With Lesley Garrett. 4.10 Deal Or No Deal (S). Beat-the-banker game show. 5.00 The Paul OGrady Show (S). With Ross Kemp. 6.00 The Simpsons (R,S). 4/21. Marge is left feeling jealdejected by an encounter with an old friend. 6.30 Hollyoaks (S,HD). Loretta moves in with Nancy, but feels guilty about having sent letters to Jake. Meanwhile, Theresa makes things difficult for Anita at the McQueens. 7.00 News (S). 7.55 3 Minute Wonder: One Day In Handsworth (S). 1/4. New series. Cast members on Penny Woolcocks movie 1 Day share their points of view on the filming for the National Film and Television School. 8.00 Dispatches: Ready For A Riot (S). The death of Ian Tomlinson during the G20 protests earlier this year has highlighted the tactics deployed by police during public demonstrations. Dispatches investigates the training given to officers, and finds out how they are taught to judge the level of force required to suppress disorder. 9.00 Age 8 And Wanting A Sex Change (S). As experts consider a review of UK guidelines for treating transgender children, this film follows youngsters in America, where hormone blockers can be prescribed to prevent the onset of puberty, followed by medication to change gender. Sixteen-year-old Chris shares her experience of beginning testosterone treatment. 10.00 Ugly Betty (S,HD). 16/24. As part of an assignment from Yeti, Betty analyses Modes budget for the past year -- a task that leads to a surprising discovery. She also goes on a date with Matt after hearing that old flame Henry has a new girlfriend. Comedy drama, starring America Ferrera and Michael Urie. 11.00 Wife Swap USA (S). A stepmother trades places with a woman whose children are spoilt. 11.55 No Angels (R,S). 6/8. Beth goes camping and gets more than she expected out of the trip. 1.00 Film: Khamosh Pani (2003). Drama from director Sabiha Sumar, starring Kirron Kher, Aamir Malik and Arshad Mahmud. 2.50 Supporting Acts (R,S). How cars are used in films. 3.10 Invasion (R,S). 3.50 Chicken Wire (R,S). 4.00 Channel 4 Education (S). Chris Mari 9pm, Age 8 And Wanting A Sex Change 10.45 Trisha Goddard (R,S). 11.45 Diet Doctors: Inside And Out (R,S). 12.40 Five News (S). 12.50 How To Be A Property Developer (R,S). 1.45 Neighbours (S). Elle demotes Lucas. 2.15 Home And Away (S). Charlie hunts for evidence against Grant. 2.50 I Own Britains Best Home: Flying Visits (R,S). Highlights from the property show. 3.05 Film: Touch The Top Of The World (S) (2006). Drama, starring Peter Facinelli, Sarah Manninen and Bruce Campbell. 5.00 Five News With Natasha Kaplinsky (S). 5.30 Neighbours (R,S). 6.00 Home And Away (R,S). An excited Hugo reveals his plans for a new dive attraction, and Nicole continues to pursue Sid. 6.25 Live From Studio Five (S). Ian Wright, Melinda Messenger and Kate Walsh host the magazine show featuring celebrity interviews. 7.30 How Do They Do It? (R,S). Robert Llewellyn travels to Liuyang, China to discover how fireworks are made and visits a quarry in Yorkshire to see how limestone is extracted -- by detonating explosives. Plus, the presenter heads to the Alps to look at the construction of the longest rail tracks in the world. Followed by Five News Update. 8.00 The Gadget Show (S). Ortis Deley and Jason Bradbury race across Derbyshire using an inflatable kayak, cable cars and a motor scooter. Suzi Perry assesses the latest concept cars in Switzerland, and Jon Bentley joins forces with Kelly Holmes to give interactive fitness gadgets a workout. Followed by Five News At 9. 9.00 FlashForward (S). 4/22. Demetri and Mark confront one another about their opposing attitudes toward their visions, while Olivia struggles to accept Bryces idea that a patients flash forward holds the key to treat an illness. Nicole returns to work as Charlies babysitter, but is forced to disclose the details of what she saw after blacking out. See Ben Felsenburg 10.00 Ross Nobles Australian Trip (S). 4/6. The comedian visits the town of Ballarat, Victoria, to explore Kryal Castle, a mock-medieval tourist attraction built in the Seventies, which houses a Sleeping Beauty tower and a maze. Ross meets the knights and tries his hand at falconry, before travelling to Port Pirie, where the mayor offers him the keys to the city. 11.00 Anaconda (S) (1997). A team of film-makers confronts a gigantic killer snake in the Amazon jungle. Adventure, with Jennifer Lopez. See Film Choice 12.40 SuperCasino. 3.00 NASCAR. The NASCAR Banking 500 Only from Bank of America. 3.55 Race And Rally UK. The latest rallying highlights from around the country. 4.45 Motorsport Mundial. High- speed footage, news and views from around the world. 5.10 Neighbours (R,S). 5.35 Home And Away (R,S). 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