London Lite Thursday, 1 October 2009 29 TELEVISION Filmchoice FILM RATINGS excellent very good good average poor KEY (R)repeat (S)subtitles on text service Cobra Five USA, 9pm (1986) SYLVESTER STALLONE plays a vigilante cop called Marion (yes, I know, but it was John Waynes real name, too). Still, no wonder Sly, above, prefers to go by the nickname Cobra Cobretti as he pursues a gang of thugs who randomly break into peoples homes and kill them. The then Mrs Stallone, Brigitte Nielsen, co-stars in this thriller, that tries (and fails) to be Dirty Harry. Maximum Risk Five, 10.20pm (1996) TWO Jean-Claude Van Dammes for the price of one as he plays identical twins. Its not too much of a stretch for the star, above, who doesnt exactly put himself out to make the distinction apparent. And luckily for him Van Damme Mark One is bumped off before the opening credits, leaving Mark Two, a cop, posing as his brother to find out who wants him dead. Passenger 57 ITV2, 11.35pm (1992) I COULD sum this up in two words: Fly Hard. But how to fill the rest of the space? If I explain that our hero Wesley Snipes, above, finds himself on a jumbo hijacked by terrorists, youll get the similarity with the Bruce Willis oeuvre. Especially when he makes flippant comments like, He got blown away, as a bad guy leaves the plane more suddenly than expected. Twisted Channel 4, 2.05am (2004) DONT just suspend your disbelief... chuck it out of the window for this thriller. Why? Well, Ashley Judd, above with Andy Garcia, makes an unlikely police inspector. She also has a penchant for wandering into bars to pick up the odd bit of rough. But her one-night stands start turning up murdered... and shes STILL kept on the case. Samuel L Jackson tries to keep a straight face as her boss. wENdy SayErS BBC2 ITV1 Channel 4 Five 10.30 This Morning (S). Celebrity chat and lifestyle features. 12.30 Loose Women (S). With comedian Joe Pasquale. 1.30 ITV Lunchtime News (S). 1.55 London News And Weather (S). 2.00 60 Minute Makeover (S). A home transformation in Cookridge, Leeds. 3.00 The Alan Titchmarsh Show (S). With Aled Jones, Rosemary Shrager and Florence Rawlings. 3.59 London Weather (S). 4.00 Midsomer Murders (R,S). Conclusion. Barnaby investigates a murderous land feud. 5.00 Britains Best Dish (S). The final Scottish heat. 6.00 London Tonight (S); Weather. 6.30 ITV Evening News (S); Weather. 7.00 Emmerdale (S). The identity of Michaels mysterious fiance is revealed, and Jai offers Jimmy the haulage contract as an apology for coming on to Nicola. See Soap Box 7.30 Countrywise (S). 29/36. Paul Heiney visits the Isles of Scilly to celebrate the 25th anniversary of an airlink vital to the areas flower industry. Plus, the tricks of the blacksmiths trade are revealed. 8.00 Emmerdale (S). Debbie realises she has the means to turn Michael against Charity by detailing her sordid history. See Soap Box 8.30 Coronation Street (S). Fiz tries to persuade Chesney to give his blessing to her marriage. Luke fires Rosie, who threatens to take him to a tribunal, and Teresa tells Amber why Darryl is going to Spain. 9.00 The Bill (S,HD). A distressed 17-year-old is found traumatised by years of prolonged abuse and Stevie struggles to establish his identity after the lads sister fails to recognise him. Max re-examines the evidence from the disappearance of a 12-year-old boy five years previously, hoping to make a connection with someone called Gareth. 10.00 News At Ten And Weather (S). 10.30 London News And Weather (S). 10.35 Billy Connolly: Journey To The Edge Of The World (R,S,HD). 4/4. The comedian concludes his trip, heading south through the White Pass toward Vancouver Island, hunting for moose and riding with cowboys. Last in the series. 11.35 Surface (S). 11/15. With Lee hot on their tails, Rich and Laura rush to deliver their footage of the creature to a news station, while a saddened Miles watches as doctors prepare Nimrod for an autopsy. 12.30 Motorsport UK (S). From Knockhill and Silverstone. 1.15 Goodwood Revival 2009. The worlds most popular historic race meeting. 2.10 The Cosby Mysteries (R,S); ITV News Headlines. 3.00 Loose Women (R,S). 3.50 ITV Nightscreen. 5.30 ITV Morning News (S). Billy Connolly 10.35pm, Journey To The Edge Of The... 11.00 BBC Primary History (S). 11.20 Science Clips Investigations (S). 11.30 Class Clips (S). 11.50 Difference And Discrimination (S). 12.00 Daily Politics Conference Special (S). 1.00 Open House (R,S). 1.30 Working Lunch (S). 2.00 Living In The Sun (R,S). A family opens a bar and a furniture shop in southern Spain. 3.00 Monk (R,S). The detective pursues a serial killer. 3.45 Flog It! (R,S). From Tavistock. 4.30 Pointless (S). Quiz show. 5.15 The Hairy Bikers Food Tour Of Britain (S). Si King and Dave Myers explore Hampshire. 6.00 Eggheads (S). Quiz show, hosted by Dermot Murnaghan. 6.30 Strictly Come Dancing -- It Takes Two (S). Claudia Winkleman hosts the daily fanzine devoted to the ballroom dancing show, with footage of rehearsals as the stars prepare for Saturdays show. 7.00 Victorian Farm (R,S). 5/6. Ruth Goodman is given a tough assignment at the dairy and Alex Langlands tries his hand at bee- keeping. As the summer days lengthen, Peter Ginn joins Alex for a game of cricket, and the trio find themselves in awe of a piece of rudimentary technology for shearing sheep. Plus, it is time for the hay harvest -- weather permitting. 8.00 MasterChef: The Professionals (S). 14/29. Gregg Wallace, Michel Roux Jr and Monica Galetti oversee proceedings as the four contestants try to bone a pigs trotter and prepare sweet pancakes. 8.45 MasterChef: The Professionals (S). 15/29. The four winning chefs from this weeks heats create a three-course meal for three restaurant critics. 9.30 Never Mind The Buzzcocks (S). 1/13. New series. James Corden takes the hot seat to guest host the comedy music quiz, with new team captain Noel Fielding and regular Phill Jupitus joining guests Tom Clarke from the Enemy, actor Ben Miller, singer Paloma Faith and American comedian Janeane Garofalo. See Ben Felsenburg 10.00 Dragons Den Online (S). Dom Byrne presents as online Dragons Shaf Rasul and Julie Meyer are asked to invest in a number of ventures, including Ray Dess Spanish guitar, Colin Harneys foot-soaking shower- boat, Sal Hammalis website for backpackers and Hugh Pattersons tool for barbecuing sausages. 10.30 Newsnight (S). With Gavin Esler. Followed by Weather. 11.20 Today At Conference (S). Jo Coburn presents highlights of the final day of the Labour Party conference at the Brighton Centre. 11.50 Dragons Den: On Tour (R,S). 4/5. The Dragons continue their travels around the UK and catch up with past participants in the Midlands, Oxfordshire, North Lincolnshire, Cambridge and Essex. Plus, updates on a furnishings company and the Road Refresher dog bowl. 12.50 BBC News (S). 3.35 Close. Julie Meyer 10pm, Dragons Den Online 11.00 TV Is Dead? (R,S); Tate Modern. 11.30 Dont Make Me Angry (R,S); Burning Questions. 12.00 News At Noon (S). 12.30 Proud Parents (R,S). 12.45 A Place In The Sun (S). Advice on buying a home in Corsica. 1.15 Film: The League Of Gentlemen (S) (1960). British comedy adventure, starring Jack Hawkins. 3.25 Countdown (S). With Dictionary Corner guest John Inverdale. 4.10 Deal Or No Deal (S). Another contestant hopes to win big money. 5.00 The Paul OGrady Show (S). With La Toya Jackson and Johnny Vegas. 6.00 The Simpsons (S). 12/21. Selma realises her hopes of ever bearing a child are diminishing and flies to China to adopt a baby. 6.30 Hollyoaks (S,HD). Ravi (Stephen Uppal) is refused a job at the Dog, and breaks down when he realises he can no longer look after himself. 7.00 News (S). 7.55 3 Minute Wonder: This Is Our Youth (S). 4/4. Documentary examining an unusual trend for wearing necklaces made of organic vegetables, developed by a group of school children in south London. Last in the series. 8.00 Location, Location, Location (S). 9/13. Kirstie Allsopp and Phil Spencer help two couples from Gloucestershire who are looking for properties to reflect the change of direction their lives have taken. Mel and Jon are hoping to adopt a child, and are looking for a family home in the Cotswolds, while Isobel and Chris are soon to be married, and want to buy their first house together. 9.00 Captive For 18 Years: The Jaycee Lee Story (S). Cutting Edge examines the case of Jaycee Lee Dugard, who was kidnapped when she was 11 years old and held captive by notorious sex offender Phillip Garrido for 18 years. When she was finally discovered in August this year, she was 29 years old and had given birth to two children while in captivity. 10.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (R,S). 6/17. Grissom and the team join forces with FBI agent Jack Malone to investigate the discovery of two bodies in an apartment -- and find themselves on the trail of a serial killer. First part of a crossover with drama series Without A Trace, the conclusion of which follows. Anthony LaPaglia guest stars. See Ben Felsenburg 11.00 Without A Trace (S). 6/18. Conclusion of the crossover episode with CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. See Ben Felsenburg 11.55 Teachers (R,S). 8/13. Matt tries to fill Bobs shoes. James Lance stars. 1.00 Extreme Male Beauty (R,S). 2.05 Film: Twisted (S,HD) (2004). Thriller, starring Ashley Judd. See Film Choice 3.40 Invasion (R,S). Sci-fi drama, starring Eddie Cibrian. 4.25 Reaper (R,S,HD). 5.10 Countdown (R,S). 5.55 The Treacle People (R,S). Stephen Uppal 6.30pm, Hollyoaks 10.45 Trisha Goddard (R,S). 11.45 I Own Britains Best Home 2009 (R,S). 12.40 Five News (S). 12.50 Up Close And Dangerous (R,S). 1.45 Neighbours (S). Toadie discovers Harry vandalised Stephs house. 2.15 Home And Away (S). Charlie reveals a distressing secret to Ross. 2.50 Animal Rescue Squad (R,S). Highlights of the series. 3.05 The Family Recipe (R,S). With Jean-Christophe Novelli. 3.15 Film: Murder In Greenwich (S) (2002). Drama, starring Christopher Meloni. 5.00 Five News With Natasha Kaplinsky (S). 5.30 Neighbours (R,S). 6.00 Home And Away (R,S). Ross tries to get to the bottom of Charlies concerns about Ruby. 6.30 Live From Studio Five (S). Ian Wright, Melinda Messenger and Kate Walsh host the magazine show featuring location reports, celebrity interviews and showbiz gossip. 7.30 Live UEFA Europa League Football (S). Celtic v Rapid Vienna (kick-off 8.05pm). Coverage of the Group C encounter at Celtic Park, as the Bhoys face last seasons Austrian runners-up. Celtics last European match on this ground ended in defeat to Arsenal, which saw them drop out of the Champions League and into this competition. A 2-1 defeat in Israel against Hapoel Tel-Aviv a fortnight ago has already put Tony Mowbrays side on the back foot, making victory in this game imperative to their hopes of reaching the knockout stage. The Austrians could almost secure their place in the last 32 if they can collect maximum points tonight, as they were 3-0 winners over Hamburg SV on matchday one. With commentary by Dave Woods. 10.20 Maximum Risk (S) (1996). A French cop is shocked to discover he had a twin brother who was murdered. Enraged, he vows to exact revenge and takes on the New York Mafia dons who ordered the killing. Action thriller, starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, Natasha Henstridge and Zach Grenier. See Film Choice 12.10 SuperCasino. Live interactive gaming, featuring roulette, blackjack and autowheel. 4.00 NFL Replay (R). Arizona Cardinals v Indianapolis Colts. Action from the clash between the respective NFC West and AFC South teams at the University of Phoenix Stadium. 4.45 Wildlife SOS (R,S). The work of volunteers treating sick, injured and orphaned animals at a wildlife sanctuary. 5.10 Neighbours (R,S). Kate joins the organising comittee for the debutante ball. 5.35 Home And Away (R,S). Melinda Messenger 6.30pm, Live From Studio Five index.html2.html3.html4.html5.html6.html7.html8.html9.html10.html11.html12.html13.html14.html15.html16.html17.html18.html19.html20.html21.html22.html23.html24.html25.html26.html27.html28.html29.html30.html31.html32.html33.html34.html35.html36.html37.html38.html39.html40.html41.html42.html43.html44.html45.html46.html47.html