TELEVISION Filmchoice FILM RATINGS excellent very good good average poor KEY (R)repeat (S)subtitles on text service STEPHEN MARR BBC2 ITV1 Channel 4 Five London Lite Wednesday, 26 August 2009 17 Total Recall ITV2, 10.20pm (1990) OKAY, viewers must be starting to get sick of this film on TV -- to the point where they can totally recall the dialogue. But it is an inventive and original sci-fi film from a short story entitled We Can Remember It For You Wholesale, by Philip K Dick. Without ruining the plot for those who havent seen it, Arnold Schwarzenegger, above, is the goodie and a baddie. Shadow Of The Vampire BBC4, 11pm (2000) SuPeRB acting throughout. John Malkovich is director FW Murnau making his classic 1922 vampire flick Nosferatu. But Murnau has secretly hired a real vampire to star in the lead role, promising him the leading lady as payment. People start getting suspicious when the vampire only appears at night -- and in character. Also stars Willem Dafoe, above. The Italian Job E4, 9pm (2003) THe curse of the Michael Caine remake continues. Jude Laws Alfie (2004) and Sleuth (2007) were stinkers, and Sylvester Stallones Get Carter (2000) wasnt much better. At least with this one, theyve totally rewritten the story and changed locations from Italy to LA. It does retain the Mini car chase but hardly blows any doors off. Stars Mark Wahlberg, above. The Enforcer ITV4, 10pm (1976) WHILe not as good as the previous two Dirty Harry films, this has my favourite line in Harry Callahan history. When told by Captain McKay hes to be transferred to personnel, Harry (Clint eastwood, above) says: Personnel? Thats for a**holes. McKay responds with: I was in personnel for 10 years -- drawing Harrys withering: Yeah. Put-downs dont get much better than that. 10.30 No Place Like Home? (S). 11.25 ITV News Headlines (S). 11.30 60 Minute Makeover (R,S). Hannah Sandling and the team visit Leigh, Greater Manchester. 12.30 For The Rest Of Your Life (S). 1.30 ITV Lunchtime News (S). 1.55 London News And Weather (S). 2.00 Good Bid Good Buy (R,S). A Norfolk businessman buys his third pub. 3.00 Daily Cooks Challenge (S). Peter Purves is the guest judge. 3.59 London Weather (S). 4.00 Heartbeat (R,S). A saboteur strikes in Aidensfield. 5.00 Golden Balls (R,S). Game show, with Jasper Carrott. 6.00 London Tonight (S); Weather. 6.30 ITV Evening News (S); Weather. 7.00 Emmerdale (S). Mark is torn when Ryan tells him he cannot wait to leave the village. The Dingles force Aaron to retract his statement to the police, and Diane is outraged by Vals deception. See Soap Box 7.30 UEFA Champions League Live (S,HD). Arsenal v Celtic (kick-off 7.45pm). Matt Smith is joined by Robbie earle to introduce coverage of the second leg of the play-off fixture between the english and Scottish sides at the emirates Stadium, as the teams contest a place in the lucrative group stage. Arsne Wengers Gunners have only lost once in european competition on this ground and have a 2-0 lead from the first leg at Celtic Park, when a fortunate deflection off William Gallas and a Gary Caldwell own goal sealed a dominant victory. Commentary by Clive Tyldesley and Jim Beglin. In the event of extra time and penalties subsequent programmes are subject to change. 10.00 News At Ten And Weather (S). 10.30 London News And Weather (S). 10.35 UEFA Champions League Highlights (S). Action from this evenings second-leg fixtures in the play-off round, including Arsenal v Celtic, Fiorentina v Sporting Lisbon and VfB Stuttgart v FC Timisoara. Commentary by Clive Tyldesley. 11.35 Benidorm Unpacked (R,S). 2/3. A one-legged Meat Loaf impersonator ponders his future. 12.05 Nightwatch With Steve Scott: Action Stations (R,S). The work of fighter pilots and ground troops in Afghanistan. 12.55 Nightwatch With Steve Scott: Crime (R,S). Documentary following the work of police officers. 1.45 Nightwatch With Steve Scott: Crime (R,S); ITV News Headlines. 2.40 The Jeremy Kyle Show (R,S). Talk show. 3.35 ITV Nightscreen. 5.30 ITV Morning News (S). Arsne Wenger 7.30pm, UEFA Champions League Live 10.35 The Slammer (R,S). 11.05 The Flintstones (R,S). 11.30 Film: Herbie Goes Bananas (S) (1980). Adventure, starring Cloris Leachman and Charles Martin Smith. 1.00 Living In The Sun (R,S). 1.45 Britains Dream Homes (R,S). Barn conversions. 2.30 Animal Park (R,S). A white rhino gets a check-up. 3.00 Monk (R,S). A fashion designer commits murder. 3.45 Flog It! (S). Paul Martin visits Loughboroughs Town Hall. 4.30 Pointless (S). 5.15 The Hairy Bikers Food Tour Of Britain (S). The duo visit Co Fermanagh, Northern Ireland. 6.00 Eggheads (R,S). Quiz show, hosted by Dermot Murnaghan. 6.30 Trust Me, Im A Dealer (S). Members of the public trust Paul Martin to turn their collectibles into money. In this episode, he helps a family in Cornwall who want to send their daughter to dance in Paris. 7.00 The Edinburgh Festival Show (S). 8/8. Lauren Laverne presents highlights from Pleasance Courtyard, featuring interviews with Michael Clark, Neil Gaiman, Ian Rankin, and a report by Sarah Millican. Last in the series. 7.50 A Wild Day In Heligan (R,S). Film exploring the wildlife inhabiting the Lost Gardens of Heligan, near Mevagissey in Cornwall. 8.00 Economy Gastronomy (S). 3/6. Allegra Mcevedy and Paul Merrett help James and Claire Caddy and their five children eat better and reduce their waste. Their chaotic lifestyle means too much food ends up in the bin, so the experts create a plan to decrease their 410 weekly bill and suggest recipes including chicken escalope with rocket, sage and lemon, and treacle tart. 9.00 Dragons Den (S,HD). 7/8. A businessman beats the record for the most money asked for with his electric car invention. Other ideas include a device to make the most of household sprays, curry trays, a new weight-loss system and a range of high-end play equipment for children. evan Davis presents. See Ben Felsenburg 10.00 Shooting Stars (S). 1/6. New series. Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer return with the comedy quiz, accompanied by team captains Jack Dee and ulrika Jonsson, while Matt Lucas is the man with the scores, George Dawes. With guests Paddy McGuinness, Christine Bleakley and DJ Ironik. See Ben Felsenburg 10.30 Newsnight (S). With Kirsty Wark. Followed by Weather. 11.20 The Wire (S). 4/10. The Baltimore Sun loses a scoop to the television news and City Council president Campbell convinces Burrell to leave with the promise of a comfortable replacement position. Marlo meets Vondas, Omar returns looking for revenge and Proposition Joe goes into hiding, and Freamon and McNulty continue with their scheme, much to Bunks disgust. 12.20 BBC News (S). 4.25 Close. Lauren Laverne 7pm, The Edinburgh Festival Show 10.45 Shipwrecked 2009: Battle Of The Islands (R,S). 11.50 Little Boots Postcard From T4 On The Beach (S). 12.00 News At Noon (S). 12.30 My eden (R,S). 12.35 10 Years Younger: The Challenge (R,S). 1.30 Film: escape From The Planet Of The Apes (S,HD) (1971). Sci-fi adventure sequel, starring Roddy McDowall. 3.25 Countdown (S). 4.10 Deal Or No Deal (S). 5.00 Wogans Perfect Recall (R,S). Four contestants compete for a cash prize. 5.30 Come Dine With Me (S). The third evening of the competition from Swansea. 6.00 The Simpsons (R,S). 15/23. Marge begins to use Homers new all-terrain vehicle, but proves to be an aggressive driver . 6.30 Hollyoaks (S,HD). Lauren and Anita break into school to search for their GCSe results and are surprised to find Newt and Theresa kissing. 7.00 News (S). 7.55 3 Minute Wonder: Missing You (S). 3/4. The mother of a man who disappeared in 1995 talks about the faith that has kept her going. 8.00 Location, Location, Location (S). 4/13. Kirstie Allsopp and Phil Spencer help two couples who are struggling to find suitable flats in edinburgh. The first couple, a professional rugby player and his girlfriend, have viewed more than 100 properties without success. The second pair are relocating from London with their one-year-old son and have a 600,000 budget. 9.00 Big Brother (S). A chance to catch up on the latest action from the house. The contestants up for eviction hear the news as they anticipate next weeks final. 10.00 Ugly Betty (S,HD). 10/24. Amanda and Betty are forced to work together on an article and Wilhelmina is desperate to avoid running into Connor after he rejected her advances. Molly asks Daniel to help with a charity event at her school, and a tender moment between the pair is later caught on camera. America Ferrera stars. 11.00 Skins (S,HD). 9/10. emily is devastated when Naomi rejects her invitation to the ball, so she reluctantly agrees to accompany Katie, who plots to embarrass her sister at the party. However, her scheming results in Katie herself learning to face her fears. 12.00 Teachers (R,S). Hard-hearted Liz takes pity on Bob. 1.05 Big Brother Live. More from the house. 4.00 Scrapheap Challenge (R,S). 5.00 Countdown (R,S). Word game. 5.40 Yo Gabba Gabba (R,S). Kirstie Allsopp 8pm, Location, Location, Location 10.45 Trisha Goddard (R,S). 11.45 House (R,S). A chess player collapses after a fight. 12.40 Five News (S). 12.50 Medical Investigation (R,S). Two congressmen catch a disease. 1.45 Neighbours (S). Bridget and Declans baby fights for life. 2.15 Lemur Island (R,S). The Graveyard Gang encounters rival males. 3.05 Zoo Days Shorts (R,S). Seahorses feature in highlights from the series. 3.10 Film: Taking Back Our Town (S) (2001). Drama, starring Laura Innes. 5.00 Five News With Natasha Kaplinsky (S). 5.30 Neighbours (R,S). 6.00 Michaelas Animal Road Trip (S). 18/20. Michaela Strachan visits St Tiggywinkles Wildlife Hospital and helps a small muntjac deer that has had its leg amputated. 7.00 Five News At 7 (S). 7.30 Mean Machines (R,S). The most technologically advanced amphibious vehicles, including the Watercar, which can reach speeds of up to 50mph on water. Also featured is the 71-tonne rescue hovercraft used by coastguards in Canada, which responds to more than 500 annual SOS calls around Vancouver. Followed by Five News Update. 8.00 Megastructures: Built From Disaster (S). New series. Documentary exploring how accidents have influenced modern structural engineering. The first episode examines how a series of tragic events at sports stadiums forced architects to incorporate a number of safety features into their designs. See Ben Felsenburg Followed by Five News At 9. 9.00 Second In Command (S) (2006). An east european official is entrusted with guarding the American ambassador during a violent revolt in Moldova, and is soon also forced to protect the countrys president while trying to find an escape route. Thriller, starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, William Tapley and Julie Cox. Including Five News update. 10.50 Rory And Paddys Great British Adventure (R,S). 1/4. Rory McGrath and Paddy McGuinness tour the uK, visiting eccentric sporting events held around the country. In the first instalment, they head for Gloucestershire to sample cheese-rolling and experience the brutal world of shin-kicking. Meanwhile, Rory visits Cambridge for a crash-course in tiddlywinks. 11.50 Poker (S). The Womens World Open III. Highlights from the opening heat of the competition at Three Mills Studios in London, featuring the likes of Annette Obrestad and Shana Casaletto. 1.20 ITu Triathlon. Action from the seventh round of the ITu World Championship Series, which came from Yokohama in Japan. 2.15 Cricket On Five (R). england v Australia. 5.10 Neighbours (R,S). 5.35 House Busters (R,S). Two musicians seek spiritual aid. Paddy McGuinness 10.50pm, Rory And Paddys Great... index.html2.html3.html4.html5.html6.html7.html8.html9.html10.html11.html12.html13.html14.html15.html16.html17.html18.html19.html20.html21.html22.html23.html24.html25.html26.html27.html28.html29.html30.html31.html32.html33.html34.html35.html